Have you ever had the discussion about when is a lie a lie? I have. Do you think it is as basic as just not telling the truth? Do you consider a little white lie a lie? And what is a little white lie anyhow? Would you consider it a lie if your friend asked you what you thought she looked like it a particular outfit and you told her she looked fine, when actually you think it is to revealing or to tight or not the right colour, but you don't want to give her your true opinion for fear of hurting her feelings. Would you consider that a lie? Is it a lie when you ask your child not to hang out with a certain someone and when they come home you ask who they were with...they tell you they were with all kinds of people but they neglect to tell you that certain person you don't want them to be around was there as well. Is that a lie? You find an error on receipt and it is in your favour, is it a lie not to fess up and give the funds back? A family treasure has gotten broken, you did it or you know who did it do you fess up or let be or tell them the cat did it? If a lie is a lie plain and simple, then should all lies be treated the same?
In looking on the net for a definition of a lie this is what I found:
v. lied, ly·ing (lng), lies
1. To present false information with the intention of deceiving.
2. To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie.
v.tr.
To cause to be in a specific condition or affect in a specific way by telling falsehoods: You have lied yourself into trouble.Idiom:
lie through one's teeth
To lie outrageously or brazenly.
lie - a statement that deviates from or perverts the truth
1. To present false information with the intention of deceiving.
2. To convey a false image or impression: Appearances often lie.
v.tr.
To cause to be in a specific condition or affect in a specific way by telling falsehoods: You have lied yourself into trouble.Idiom:
lie through one's teeth
To lie outrageously or brazenly.
lie - a statement that deviates from or perverts the truth
I for one know that I have told a lie. Something I am not proud of. In looking at the definition of a lie, I think I had a misguided idea of what a lie was. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I didn't want to tell the truth about something or someone for fear of hurting feelings and repercussions. The funny thing about that is someone always gets hurt, and usually that someone is the person telling the lie. Lies are like parasites, they eat you up inside, and they can spread like a virus causing harm to those around you.
I was terrible at commitment. I feared it. I wanted it, but I didn't know how to go about getting it. Through my lack of commitment came lies. Lies to myself and lies to those that I couldn't commit to. The reason for my lack of commitment varied, some due to childhood experiences, some due to lack of confidence in myself, some due to fear of loss, and what ifs. As a result came the lies. Personally, I never intentionally told a lie to hurt anyone. In fact that is what I was trying to avoid. Little did I know that it would backfire.
As we grow I like to think we learn. Learn from our life's experiences. If telling a lie has caused grief in the past chances are it will always cause grief. If not for the person you are telling the lie to then to yourself. It is so easy to fall into the trap of telling a lie.
So, when is a Lie a Lie?
26 comments:
Oh my, you go for the hard ones, don't you? :-)
You've pretty well nailed what is and isn't a lie.
I try hard not to lie...but you know, human is as high as I'm going to get here on earth...so of course, sometimes I'm guilty!
I keep growing & learning all the time, RN.
I think the truest philsophy for me is not to lie to the self. Difficult sometimes, but possible.
lots of love & have a good weekend!
yep, a toughie.
the worst part of a lie, imo, is the fact that, once we've been caught out on _one_ then everything we've ever said and everything we ever say in the future is called into question.
all because of one ill-thought-out response.
I know I do indulge in those 'trying not to hurt someone's feelings' lies. but, I also know my body language gives me away. so, why I don't just tell the truth in the first place is beyond me.
Telling a lie to spare someones feelings is probably the most told lie in the world. I know that I have been gulity of it. Telling a lie to keep from getting in trouble is what I've found the kids do, whether it's a bold face lie or an omission of part of the truth...still a lie.
Since they both are lies, I presume that the telling of a lie is wrong.....even though sometimes it seems impossible to avoid.
Great way to start our morning, making us accountable and making us think!!!
Cheers
Oh you are giving out good discussion topics these days.
When I prepare a client or other witness for deposition, I tell him or her that it's not a social occasion. On social occasions we "agree" with things that we don't necessarily agree with at all... just to keep the conversation flowing... just to be pleasant. Are these lies? Not in a social context. At a deposition, under oath, if you disagree with something even a little, you must say so. Because otherwise someone has put their words in your mouth and it's only for their purpose....
But I think "little white lies" are usually not lies... because there's no intent to hurt.... But -- we can all cite illustrations -- sometimes little white lies do cause injury. It's a tricky question you've posed.
I'm going to ponder on this and will come back.
Yep - I agree pretty much down the wire with the thoughts others have expressed here - mainly that this is really a HEAVY topic, very loaded!
To tell someone gut-level truth, knowing it will probably hurt that person's feelings -to me, doing that is worse than glossing over the truth a bit. Try to put things in that are the truth but to do it as gently as possible then. Yeah, still a lie, technically, but what is the lesser of the evils there?
I probably have at some points in my life told outright LIES, hopefully those things were done when I was on a much lower maturity level. Today, I try to be as honest as possible - something some people who know me well don't always like either though. But when it comes to "glossing" over things to try to avoid hurt feelings - yeah, guilty as sin in that department!
BTW - I tagged you this morning for the lovely "Thinking MEME." Just thought I'd let you know about that in case you haven't been to my blog today.
boy honey you get some long winded comments, don't you? i try not to lie down too often but along about noon or one i need a little nap. that's about the only time i lie, unless, of course it is bed time, of i fall down or something, you know? do you take a nap? if not, you really should give it a try. i have found that naps are one of life's greatest little pleasures. so, i ask you, how do you not lie? see? smiles.....bee
Now, that's some heavy stuff. My mom dealt with things by telling "small lies"; to her mother, her husband, whoever...And my two younger brothers and myself were always compelled to support these little "stories" so as not to get her in trouble.
I came to hate that and absolutely refuse to put my own child in a position where I have to teach or expect her to lie for me or support my own dishonesty.
My mother was a wonderful, loving person in pretty much every way, but she was fearful of confrontation and found it easier to lie than to deal with things directly. I'm not a big fan of confrontation either, and I will admit I've told my share of lies, but when it becomes a way to cope with life it's encredibly destructive to relationships.
Thanks for coming by my blog. Glad you liked the bullying entry. That stuff just sets me off.
Rn, I believe that it is human nature to tell a white lie from time to time, but chronic lying can have damaging long-term consequences.
There are those who lie and are manipulative for personal-gain. I think that these individuals lie so much that they actually begin to believe their lies and soon can not differ from the truth.
Interesting subject for a Friday. Thank you for allowing us to share our thoughts. Happy Friday.
I once saw a poster that said "a truth told with bad intent is worse than any lie you can invent." As corny as that poster was I liked the message enough that it kind of stuck with me.
Michelle, excellent quote. I will have to remember that one.
A lie is a lie, even the small white ones. If a friend asked my opinion on an outfit I'd give it to her. If it is not something she'd want to hear I would put it as delicately as possible but still give it to her straight.
I'd like to say I'm 100% honest, but is anyone? Is it necessarily a good thing? When a young lady at work asked me how her hair looked, and I thought of a forest fire having mated with a porcupine, I said, "Not bad." When my wife (now ex) asked me if her arse looked fat in those shorts, my life would have been cut short, had I told the truth.
I'd also like to say that I have never lied maliciously, but I can't. There are several things in my distant past of which I am ashamed, but I believe I have grown since then.
So, when is a lie a lie? Always. When is a lie wrong? Usually, but there are times. I think the key is the intent behind it. If the intent favors the interests of the teller over the interests of the other then it is wrong. But, if someone asks, "What did you get me for my birthday; was it X?", and if X is exactly right, I'll say "No".
Powerful post and certainly makes one do some serious soul searching. I know I have been guilty of telling lies on occasion.
I was at Jeni's Down River Drivel who I link with and noticed your address.
I moved from Qualicum in 2003 to the Cariboo region. There is a good chance we may have crossed paths. I lived on Horne Lake Road in Qualicum Bay just north of Qualicum Beach.
You have an interesting blog. Certainly worth a return visit
Try never to lie....to anyone, in any situation...........but you can't really count my mother, can you? I tend to leave out things... lies of omission....modify the truth, and down right tell her exactly what it is she wants to hear, just to keep the peace. I always fess up, when said event is passed, but....
ooh that's a tricky one. Even if it is a white lie ýou tell to avoid hurting someones feeling, it's still a lie innit?
I tagged you with The Thinking Meme.
Get the questions at my site.
Very deep and soul searching subject. I think with everyone "out right lying and lying to not hurt" have different responses. Lying is part of growing, or so I think. I think many times the ones we lie to the most is ourselves, many times without meaning to, and give ourselves excuses of why we did so.
I try not to tell "white lies" but I think I still do. Sometimes I think people do this so that confrontations do not happen. Feelings do not get hurt, etc. I have 2 young adult daughters in their 20's. Many times they will ask me how they look. I use to tell them all the time "You look great!" (In my eyes they do anyway!) But, it was still a white lie on my part! Now, since they have discovered this, when they ask me how they look, I tell them "My opinion does not matter, but how do you feel about how you look and feel." This is a running joke with them, as now as they tell each other when I answer this way "Mom did not like what I wore last night", or something close to that!
Excellent post and something we need to think about and how it will affect others in what we say and do. Great soul searching post. Something I will think about.
Hugs,
Katie
hmmm.. a lie is a lie when you feel the pit of your stomach tie up in knots.
i'm pretty much upfront with my friends about their situations....so if they don't look great in an outfit i tell them...
however, this leaves me wondering if they tell the truth - which is worse...
Lies are lies no matter how you look at it. That being said. Either admit to yourself you have lied and accept the consequences or don't have expectations of any one trusting you. Lies always bite you in the ass whether by exposure or inexposure, either way...someone suffers. The liar or the victim. The truth may be offensive to some but if someone asks
"How is my hair?"
well, why did they ask?
Because they trust you to tell them if they are about to make an ass of themself and the oxymoronical thing about lieing to them this is you betray that simple fact that someone did trust you yet you don't want to hurt their feelings. So....let them go out and be laughed at by the masses...at least you will feel good about yourself. And that's what is important isn't it?. Well isn't it????
Trivial example but a good one.
Doug
Sorry for the run on sentence in that last comment, got off on a tangeant.
Doug
another thought:
I've noticed that ads on tv are seeming to, more and more, come out in favor of lying. like, saying 'I wear the shirt you gave me all the time,' while tearing off the sales tag,, throwing the shirt into the mud and tossing it in the wash.
I know that lie is the one almost everyone [including myself] has been fessing up to here -- the lie to avoid hurting another's feelings. but seeing it treated so blithely on tv is still uncomfortable for me.
some other lies shown in tv ads are more indidious than the one I described. somehow that trend-- almost making lying ok or even positive-- feels wrong to me, somehow.
Unfortunately, lying is part of human nature, be it a white lie or an outright lie. No one living on this earth can say they haven't lied at one time or another in their lives. Children learn at a very young age to lie, just so they won't get in trouble. I'm like you, I hate the thought of hurting someone's feelings . Reading Douglas' comment, he has a very good point...the person asking you if their hair looks ok, etc. means that person trusts you to tell them the truth. So we have to learn that sometimes it's better to tell them the truth than to lie. They do say the truth hurts...but a lie hurts worse! Hugs xox
My three most common lies: "I'm fine," "It doesn't matter," "No problem."
The truths:
I'm not fine, I'm in constant pain. Things aren't working right, there's a problem, but I can deal with it on my own. I don't want or need you to worry about me.
It does matter, but because you'll never admit that what you did hurt me, or understand how you hurt me, I'd rather just skip it and move along.
It is a problem and that's why you're passing it on to me, but because I can handle it, I'll take care of it, but I don't have to like it.
Lies are lies, even if they're for self preservation.
Wow, deep thoughts like this sure jumpstart the brain. It's almost better than that first cup o' java.
Lies are difficult. Anyone dealing with narcissistic types knows lying is a way of life for them
Two places to check out posts on liars:
HERE
and
HERE
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