Well it is a sad day. I have been moping around the house, trying to distract myself by doing housework. When I stop I just cry.
In previous posts I had written about my brother coming to stay with hubby and I. Originally it was only going to be for 6 weeks. He was in a bad way and needed to get away from where he was living and to be in a safe place so he could get healthy again both physically and mentally. Well I think he achieved that. In his 3 months with us he gained over 30lbs and regained some peace of mind. My brother has led a very hard life. He was a drug addict for most of his adult years. He suffers from anger issues and depression and has been on medication for that. He is on a pension due to injuries he has sustained over his life two of which include being buried in a mine. Yes he has had a hard life. There were many adjustments we all had to make when he came to live with us. Hubby and I set up a room for him. Put a television and stereo in his room, and tried to give him a space of his own. Hubby even put a computer together for him and we set up a computer station for him and connected him to the world of computers. It was a challenge for him as he didn't type so we downloaded a typing program for him. The best thing in all of that was that he was able to have contact with family and a couple of friends. He helped out with chopping wood and stacking it. If he was up first he got the fire going and coffee. Sounds good doesn't it. Well it was. For awhile.
Remember I mentioned about adjustments. Well he has been on his own for so long that he just does his own thing. He isn't used to being asked to pick up after himself, or to put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher. No he was a bit of a slob. A great cook but you knew when he had been in the kitchen. He tried I know he did, but so did I. Our life styles were so different. He was just used to doing his own thing when he wants and how he wants. And well we have schedules and household expectations, I think it became to much for him. I think we all were starting to feel like we needed our space. He is a solitary man as well. He would spend a day or two in his room only coming out to go outside for a smoke or grab a coffee or sandwich. I think those were days he was having difficulties coping. But he never talked about it. I tried to involve him in our daily lives. Going out for dinners, shopping. With Christmas he participated in getting the tree and truly seemed excited about having a homestyle Christmas, something he hadn't had in such a long time.
On December 30th he decided he was going to go to the store to get smokes. Sounds fine. But he had to walk there. It's about 12 km one way, that's 7.5 miles. He stopped at the pub on the way back. He had our dog Bert with him and had tied him up outside the pub. Anyhow, he arrives back home, needless to say drunk and belligerent. There is a saying "only babies and drunks tell the truth" and I think this applied to him that day. Being drunk gave him the courage to say what he wanted to say. That being he was leaving. The discussion got a little heated, and other things were coming out, we tried to stay calm and let him just blow off steam. He said he was thankful for all that hubby and I had done for him but that it was time for him to leave. He eventually went to bed.
Yesterday morning I finally went to him and told him we had to talk. He had been staying in his room since the incident. I told him that hubby and I had been talking and that we agreed, it most probably was best he leave, but we hoped that he wouldn't go back to the mainland that he would let us help him find somewhere here on the Island somewhere he continued to feel safe. I told him he would still be welcomed for dinners and could do laundry at our home, and walk Bert whenever he wanted. But he said no he would leave the next day.
Today was the day. Even as we were going to the car I asked him if this was what he wanted, he said yes. I stopped at the bank and got him some money. I just couldn't see him go back to the mainland without anything in his pocket. I had packed some snacks and treats in his pack. I drove him to the ferry. I hugged him and kissed his cheek and then I had to turn and go. I knew I was going to cry.
I never really knew my brother, being 15 years older than me he had already left home by the time I was born.
I really had hopes for him. I really thought being here would help change things for him. I feel like I have failed him, and yet I don't know what I could have done to make things any better.
Oh Life.....
20 comments:
Oh sweetie. You didn't fail. You didn't let him down. You gave him what he needed for that moment..but it sounds like he knew he would never change..but you gave him a break.
You gave him a chance to breathe.
That was a truly amazing thing to do.
He knows you love him.
thank you crunchy....even reading your response my eyes are watering up.....thank you thank you
You did everything you could. I know that you can't change things for someone. My mom was depressed after my father died and she never really recovered for 10 years, when she died. We did everything we could. That's all you can do.
All I can say is I'm sorry. You and Doug did your best and that's all you can do.
Your brother was walking that narrow path that only he could take. There wasn't anything you could do to change the outcome. As a nurse I'm sure you feel you could have changed things, but now you must accept the truth. His path was inevitable. He knows you love him and I'm sure he appreciates everything you did for him. But, he just can't help himself.
Sometimes life just isn't fair. Know, however, that we are here for you.
Oh my dear, dear friend! We need to chat.....e-mail me with some info on how I can instant message you and a time when you will be online and free to chat. Our lives have so much in common with family memebers I'm sure we can offer comfort to each other. Know that I am thinking of you and praying for you. A thousand hugs!
I'm really sorry about this, but you know what...it might have been for the best. Sometimes people just can't change or cope with change and it's easier on them to continue on the path that they are on, whether or not it's the right one or the easiest one. You tried to help him, and that's all that really matters...you love your brother and you tried to help him out but right now your brother, for whatever reason, just can't let himself get helped.
You know, I have an older brother who was like that. He just had to live his own life. I did everything I could to make him feel like everyone else, but he preferred his life the way it was. Finally a few years ago he decided to "settle down" and he now lives in apartment across the street from me.
Trust me, your brother is grateful for everything you did for him, and he knows you will always be there when he needs you.
Josie
I am so sorry. You did everything you could. You were there when he needed you. So don't ever think that you failed him. You are a good sister and I'm sure he knows that and is greatful.
You did what you thought was the best for him. Unfortunately he didn't see it that way. It's hard to change a person.. and even harder to have someone live with you. Maybe he didn't feel like he deserved all the goodness you had to offer him.
I always tell Mike that he can't "fix" me, that all he can do is to listen and try to understand a little.
Please don't be too hard on yourself.
When you encounter someone with a severe physical illness or injury, their hurt is so easily recognized and can be easily understood. The treatment may be obvious (or if not obvious, then easily learned and understood). Of course you - a nurse - know this.
A person with mental or emotional illness is much more difficult to "understand" because there is no clear image of the damage, but that damage is every bit as real as a broken body part. I have read your blog and some of your comments, and I know you know this too.
You see your brother on a "good" day, and hope rises. The broken part is out of sight, but it has not been repaired.
You hope. You help. You love. You do all you can do, but the underlying problem persists. He rises above it at times, but the work of rising is so hard.
I have a 61 year-old neighbor who lives in a 12 x 20' shack back in the woods with no electricity, phone or running water. The cabin is leaky and old. The man is bi-polar. I have weathered many a self-inflicted injury, drunken rage, suicide attempt or threat with him. On his good days, he is brilliant, funny and charming. He and his troubles wear me down, but he is a friend and not a relation. I like him, but I do not love him in the way you obviously love your brother.
You and your husband did a wonderful thing. You lifted your brother up for awhile, but he apparently does not have the strength to be lifted. Maybe he never will. That's the hard part.
I'm so sorry you are so sad. No one has the power to fix his life. You love him, and that is the most you can do.
You did your best...
Sometimes that's all we can do.
I think you know you've done what you can do. Take comfort in that and in what he let you do for him. And I surely wish you -- and your brother -- well.
I don't think you failed at all. You did what no one else did, give him a home to stay and a chance to get his mind together. I hope he does well on his own.
Hey new to your blog, just going through skittles list of blogs and i keep finding ones i like!
I am really sorry about the situation with your brother, but from what you wrote you really did what you could and thats all anyone can do.
Claire
honey he is an addict. you are never not an addict once you ever are one. and let me be perfectly clear about this next sentence. ALCOHOL IS A DRUG. got it? you may be able to drink, or your hubby, but you brother cannot. ever. never. period. do not feel sad. it will cause you to beat yourself up for something you can never control. read that again. something you can never control. do not give him money. please. it will only enable him to do the next wrong thing. until he scratches his way back up himself nothing or no one can help him. he can only help himself. when he is ready. here is the deal. if you enable him the next drink/whatever could be the very one that kills him. then what? you beat yourself up for the rest of your life. what you think of as helping is killing. that is brutal i know. i also KNOW what i am talking about. i have lived this mess for 20 years. husband and son. both of them. they can recover. charlie will have 20 years in may if he makes that choice. son will have one year clean in march, if he makes the choice. don't be mad at me honey, please, i know how cold and brutal what i am telling you sounds. but only he can make the choices. there is help for him if he wants it. they know. they all know. there are places they can go for help, treatment, live, etc. maybe not the place they want to be, but the places they can go. let him go and you go forward, okay. it is a disease and it is insidious. be very careful my friend. hugs and much love.....bee
Mary Ann, first I want to say I love you for the effort you made for your brother, however your effort was, as you now know futile. Miss Bee is correct, we have been there and done that, and more, it to was futile.
The best thing we ever did for our son was to leave him in the Broward County Jail, expecting to be released, homeless, pennyless, and hopeless. He had to find his way, he knew where he could get help, called them and they picked him up and cleaned him up. The facility he was in is called the Fern House, in West Palm Beach. They take the street junkie and teach him what he needs to know like how to wash himself, brush his teeth, and then they require that he gets a job, pays rent, attend NA and AA meetings daily, sign out when he comes and goes, random drug test.
The bottom line is that they teach him how to be a normal human being and act like a normal human being, their success rate is maybe 10%, just the nature of the beast. My son was in the facility 3 times and hopefully for the last time.
Pray for your brother, give him nothing, he will only harm himself with it.
The old sarge
Hello,
You left me a lovely comment on my blog, Fig Newtons and Scotch. I decided to pay you a visit. My heart just ached reading your post about your brother.
I think you and your husband must be the best folks in the world. You have done all that you can do for someone who is an adult. You gave him a chance to get healthy. I know my mere words really don't help take your feelings away, but know that kind thoughts are being sent your way.
Libby
Smalltown, like Bee and Sarge you have to just walk away and worry God about your brother.
My sister was strung out for seven years on alcohol, selling everything in her house, neglecting her three children.
At first our family gathered around and supported her financially until we found out she had robbed us, the very people who were taking care of her!
So, we let her go. Straight to jail. Straight to the gutter. She's been clean apprx 13 years because she hit bottom and determined herself to get out of that life.
Thank God you have a husband willing to do all that for your brother.
PS-found you through Skittles and I enjoy your site.
You didn't fail him, and you don't owe him anything. Without going into it, you would be surprised at how well I understand the situation.
Shed all the tears you need, then get back to that tasks at hand.
I think I can put your feelings there watching your brother leave to when my son left home in November of 1993 to join the Army. I saw him off at the bus terminal and walked to my car to sit and cry while his sisters stood out in the cold and waved good bye to him. I couldn't look there, not then.
And when two, almost 3 years ago, he moved back home with me, his sister, her husband, my step-granddaughter and my baby granddaughter, cramped as we were, I shed a tear when he moved out of the house again and bought a place of his own, less than a mile from my own home. But both times the tears were from a combination of sadness at his no longer being right here and also pride, that he felt capable of taking on life on his own terms too. Separations from the family unit, regardless of the reason behind them, do bring tears more often than not.
Just as you have your blog titled, so too your brother needs "a place of his own" too. Pray that he can manage the responsibility of that and know that you tried your best to give him a good start on that road.
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