Is it just me, or does anyone else out there wonder where our manners have gone? I am not just talking about the "please and thank you's" I'm talking about the appropriate way to respond and acknowledge someone, social etiquette, general respect, and how to dress for special occasions.
My mother and father were a sticklers for manners and how to dress for occasions. As a child it drove me crazy, but as an adult I am so thankful that they were as strict about them.
they were very particular about how to speak and greet guests, friends, individuals who held prominent positions in society from church priest to politicians. We were always taught to address adults as Mr. or Mrs. never by first name unless the adult themselves had insisted even then that was difficult. Grandparents were whatever name was given but again never by there first name. In our house we never used the word Nanny when referring to our Gran as "nanny" was a word used for hired help, and believe me Gran was no hired help. So it was either Gran, Granny or variations there of. But as I said never first name.
When one of my siblings or I were called by our parents if you ever responded by saying "what" you would get a cuff on the back of the head....we had to respond by saying "yes mom or yes dad" never "what" my mother always said that saying "what" sounded rude and disrespectful...in hind sight I must agree with her...it really does sound rude. Listen next time....
What ever happened to asking politely for something .....like "do you mind getting that for me" or could you get that for me please" instead what you hear a lot of is...."get that would you" or "pass that"..... where is the please or thank you? Where is the "if you wouldn't mind would you please...." Instead what you often get is the abrupt pass and give that to me. It's just so rude. My question is why do we accept it? Why do accept being spoken to in a rude manner?
This leads me to social etiquette....what ever happened to sending out invitations to parties or better yet what ever happened to people responding and committing to attending a function? Have people forgotten about sending out thank you cards to people who have you for special function or have you spend a weekend with them? What about thank you cards for gifts....I can't tell you how many functions weddings, baby showers, you name it that I have gone to that the recipient of the gifts have not sent out thank you cards. Again that is just rude, and not socially acceptable.
What is happening to us as a society? I know there are many books out there on social etiquette for weddings and special occasions... but what about just every day manners.
I can't help but wonder if the decline is due in part to the fact that there is less and less family time going on. If the children are not learning social graces at home where are they to learn them? If mom and dad or their guardian is constantly being made to work more and more to make ends meet or the employer is placing higher demands, then how can that parent be there for their child/children to teach them?
What ever happened to dressing for occasions? I mean you go out to a nice restaurant now and you still see people arriving in jeans...or the theater or ballet....what is that all about? Don't they know that you dress for those occasions? I swear I must be from the old school, but I for one am proud to belong. When I was growing up, we always dressed for church hence the term "Sunday best". When we went to any one's house for dinner or a function you always dressed....for Christmas eve and Christmas day you dressed jeans were not acceptable. I can remember times when a boy would come to pick up my sisters or I for a date and my father would answer the door, if that boy was in jeans or not dressed appropriately my father would say something to them like " you going to take my daughter out wearing something like that" My father was even worse than my mother when it came to that. I can remember him sending people home to change...but you know....as a result I can assure you that even today everyone in the family knows what is acceptable...even all of my 32 nieces and nephews know that at functions you dress....and they all know how to address their aunties and uncles appropriately again it is seen as a sign of respect for your elders. Sure you can pay more for a pair of jeans than you can for a pair of dress pants...but there is a time and place for all attire. Jeans as we all know were originally designed as a durable work pants...and that is where they should stay in the work environment....oh ok.....causal environment as well....like going to the pub with your friends.
To me it boils down to this, as adults we must set the standards and lead by example. If we don't teach and demonstrate social graces then how will our children learn? If we don't teach our children about charity and giving then how do they learn? It begins with us...our children mirror us both our good and bad....we are their building block.....it all begins at home...and for those children who don't have a parent to fall back on, I hope that they find a mentor who can instill some social graces....
21 comments:
I agree with you completely on this. I happen to have fallen into a work environment where everyone has manners. It is always 'can you do this for me?' and when they do it or agree to do it the 'thank you' follows immediately. I trained at the main office last week and started this week at the office I was hired for. And to my astonishment both places have their manners in place and are more than willing to help one another out to make the entire operation work and run as smoothly as possible. What a pleasure to see that!
Hugs, my friend!
You are so right. It all starts in the home. I stressed manners all the years I taught school as well. My adult kids to this day still speak with respect to me such as "Yes, Maam" and "No,Maam". It makes me proud to see them enforce it with their children. Respecting others is what this is all about. I see the lack of respect and manners in our society nowadays and it makes me cringe. I wish there were more of us "old schoolers" passing this valuable lesson on to our next generations. :)
One of the things I most noticed and appreciated on my trip to German last year was how incredibly polite everyone was. There isn't a child who would address you by your first name and would always speak to you in the formal German (it's like French) unless invited to do otherwise. Even the employees in stores address each other by last name. Greece on the other hand is way different and there is no politeness anywhere that I saw. I have tried to teach it to my son but he forgets from time to time and his new spouse needs a few lessons,sigh...ciao
I so agree with you Mary Anne. One sees this on the blogs too. People's language is atrocious. Everything nowadays is geared to fast. People are just too lazy to speak properly hence you see the same short forms in their writing too. Respect seems unheard of in both the young and their parents unless it was taught by their grandparents - meaning us. If the respect is not there in the language it seems it is not there in dress codes either. It does start at home but unfortunately too many parents have let this kind of thing slide. Glad to know there's others out there thinking like I do. Good post Mary Anne!
I was brought up the same way.. and the manners I see today are just deplorable.
I was brought up the way you were. There were some aspects of my upbringing that I insisted on with my daughter and others that I told her about but taught her some people would expect it and others would not. It's more complex in some ways for young people now. My close friends wanted her to call them by their first name while when I was a child adults who were very close to the family were call Aunt so and so. They weren't really our Aunts but that was the honorary title.
I struggled with my daughter over thank you notes when she was a teenager (ironic since she wrote them before she could barely write). She noticed everyone didn't do thank you notes when she was older. I'm glad though that now I think she has gone back to what I taught her (notes, hostess gifts, etc.).
My pet peeve is when people in restaurants say no problem instead of your welcome. I've gotten used to it but the first few time I heard it, I felt like saying, of course it's no problem, it's your job to bring the food. However, I've come to realize where I live, at least, that "no problem" has become the new "your welcome". Still hard for me to get used to that one.
I totally agree with this post. I however fall into to the not dressing for occasions, how I fix that is just avoid them as much as possible. I just don't have that much need to dress up and only have a few things that might actually fit. I hate dressing up, did it for so many years that if I never do it again, I wouldn't be upset.
Gosh.. also guilty of not sending thank you cards very often, but rested assured if I had a reason they would go out.
Yes, yes, yes! Everything you've written rings true.
I went to the opera last year, and saw a man in cargo shorts and bare feet in sandals and I was shocked. The people on the stage have put in so much hard work for this presentation, aren't they deserving of respect of proper attire? My boyfriend at the time (who was wearing a tux) growled, "They shouldn't let in someone who isn't dressed at least as nicely as the ushers."
He was right.
Hear, hear, I totally agree with you. I find myself every day saying to students at school "What's the magic word?" only to be looked at as though I'm from Mars! :(
I totally agree with all that you have written, hence, why I am here THANKING you for stopping by my blog and offering suggestions about Disney World. Like you, I am also continuously prompting my nieces/nephews/Kya's friends etc. to say thank you and please. It drives me crazy parents don't teach them. Kya's only 2 and says thank you, please, your welcome and people are always commenting on her good manners. It doesn't take much to teach them to be grateful, really. Anyways, I really appreciate you stopping by. I live in the west as well, so I'm completely clueless about Florida. I agree and think Sea World would be a great place to go. We went to Sea World in San Diego last year and my little one LOVED it! Thanks again for stopping by and giving me some advice!!! Have a great week! :)
*standing applause*
Here! Here! Good for you for posting on this topic. I am 100% plus on your side in this. When I had season tickets to the symphony I didn't appreciate sitting next to someone who looked like they'd just been dragged through a back alley when I was dressed up. I've noticed lately that my grandson isn't using the word "Auntie" with my daughter and I'm not sure whether to bring it to his Mommy's attention - sure it's a mouthful, but I think it gives my daughter a position in his life other than as one of his mommy's friends. And "they" are all called by their first names. However, he does know his please and thank you's and has good table manners. My childhood was very much like yours with the teaching of social graces and my Dad would even check ME out before being allowed to go out with a boy. Great post and I feel like copying and pasting it and sending it to a few people!
How did things go in Victoria? I've been thinking about you and hoping everything went well.
Oh, I forgot to say that when I was teaching, if I addressed a student and they answered me with "What?" they'd get a stone cold look with the response "Excuse me?" I constantly had to tell kids to respond to me with at least the word "Yes." and that it was even better to add my name." ERG!!
I'm very big on manners. If my kids don't say please and thank you, then they don't get it. Good post! :o)
I've had my ten year old Grandaughter for the last few days and I have to tell you she made me proud! We went shopping several times and she never missed thanking her grandparents, the sales clerks the waitresses and anyone else she recieved services from. We went to the nursing home to visit my mother and one of the aides gave put a ice cream on Moms tray for her. When she was finished, she hunted down the aide to thank her. All this does indeed start in the home. Another thing that surprised me. When she finished eating, she took her dishes and put them in the sink, when she got up in the morning she made her bed. She also made me PROUD!
As an only child I was expected to behave in certain fashion, which meant using basic manners.
The younger people still at local high school addresses the teacher by mister so and so. Mrs so and so. Or miss so and so.
But I have heard that some place that teacher address using their first name.
As for fashion things do change I started first grade back in 66 and girls didn’t ware pants of any sort by the time I finished high school I wore ragy looking jeans.
Nothing wrong with everyday manners.
Nothing wrong with rules either.
Hear! Hear! Yay, Mary Anne! This is so true. My goodness, when I was a child, children never addressed adults by their first name, and thank you cards were de rigueur . My daughter is a stickler for manners with her children as well. Table manners are very important, as well as sending thank you cards for gifts. I know quite a few adults who should read your post as well.
Great post!
AMEN!
There is so much there that I could comment on, but I'll stick to the 'dressing for the occasion.' Last year at a Good Friday service I went to, almost everyone was there in t-shirts and jeans. I know I should not be judgemental, but it really did bother me that they wouldn't dress up for such a special service.
Wishing you and yours a blessed Easter.
I was raised by my grandparents. So, basically, I was raised as my 'father's' generation was raised. Honestly, I am grateful for that.
The main things that appall me now are the lack of manners and the lack of respect for a fellow individual. I ALWAYS say 'please' and 'thank you'... almost to a fault. In fact, I've been know to 'accidentally' blurt out "PLEASE!" when I hear someone else say "hand me that" or "go get me this"... it's an involuntary reaction and I'll just blurt out "PLEASE!!!", which usually gets me a very dirty look, and I've even been accused of being rude because I've spoken up and said please or thank you for someone who neglected to say it. What's wrong with that picture? I'M the one accused of being rude by insisting that someone else use manners???
Uh huh. Yep. mmmm hmmm. Okay. Sure.
Are these suitable replacements for "You're welcome". I'm thinkin' not.
Thank You for listening.
......uh huh
i'm with you. i'm still waiting for the thank you cards from both my bils(made them each king-sized quilts as wedding gifts) none of dh's niece's/nephew's call us Aunt or Uncle but than dh doesn't call his Aunts/Uncles either-just uses their first names and i find it really disrepectful
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