The joy of it all......

Here we are at the start of another week. Today, I actually started doing some hands on nursing. Although I have been feeling disjointed, scattered and scared it did feel really good to be getting back to work after being off for such a long time. I was starting to feel like my brain was going to mush. Not a very good feeling.

I started talking to two of my colleagues today about how I was feeling...one of them told me how she felt when she had come back after maternity leave and that the biggest decision she had to make for the day when she was off was whether or not to mash or chop the banana for the kids. Then all of a sudden you come back to work and you change hats and put yourself in life saving situations....calculating drips, adjusting lines, medications, change dressings, follow protocols and be ready to run for a code if someone goes into cardiac arrest. Yes it is all a little unsettling, but with the help and support of my colleagues I am sure I will get my feet wet pretty quick.

Ok you men out there reading this...at this point you might want to plug your ears and go la la la......or better yet, maybe you might want to listen. The above discussion about returning to work and life adjustment brought the conversation around to how we are feeling about our lives in general. My colleague and I discussed about how we felt we were floundering with our lives...unsettled, an emotional mess ready to cry or scream at a drop of a hat, or how we felt like sometimes we were in a fog and just waiting for it to pass, but it never seems to lift. I said to my colleague that sometimes it's like if I could just take of my glasses I would see clearer, but that doesn't seem to help. My colleague told me that it has been bothering her so much that she actually has sought the help of a professional. She told me that after explaining how she was feeling to this person they said "welcome to menopause". Is that what it is? Is that why I feel like such a mess? I know there have been physical changes happening like the fight that is going on with the bed linens on again off again....but it is the mood thing...sometimes I feel so rational and other times I feel like a crazed person being deprived of something they so desperately want but really don't need. Oh the joys of it all...if this is the early signs of menopause can I send it back? Please!!!!! I don't mind getting old...but why does it have to come with all the hormonal stuff and hit you so hard when you least expect it? I don't know why I am so surprised I am ...uhhhhmmm.......46! After looking up menopause it would appear that I actually fall into the category of perimenopause....oh joy....the bad stuff isn't suppose to happen until I turn 51....oh even more joy

I am learning to accept that I am not in my 30's anymore that I don't rebound from injuries like I use to. I am also learning to accept that it takes me at least twice as long to lose 5 lbs as it did when I was in my 30's, that piece of cake that I use to be able to eat and then just run it off..not anymore...that piece of cake just finds itself nicely on my hips and takes up permanent residency...just not fare at all, but hey, as I have been told so many times...."life isn't fare!!!" so I guess I just have to get over it right? NOT....I don't want to accept that I have to be miserable and just accept that I am going to be moody, sweaty and oh yeah someone told me about the hair thing....no I just am not going to accept that. Call me stubborn, my mom use to say that about me, I use to challenge things all the time and well maybe if I just looked at menopause as a challenge I might be able to deal with it better. I certainly don't want to go on HRT so if black cohosh, ginger teas and evening primrose will do the trick that is what I shall do.

I know some of you are most probably saying oh just accept it, it's inevitable we all go through it...yes I guess we do...some are just able to manage it better or don't seem to get as affected by it as others. I've always been a fighter so why not take this on. I wonder what Maxine would say in a case like this......