I am sure by now most of you have heard of the term "Sandwich Generation" This generation have been identified as the generation who are still raising their own families and find themselves caring for their aging and ailing parents.Well as you know I don't post much about my work anymore. But sometimes a situation arises that I feel I just need to share and would appreciate hearing your comments on the topic.
My last two day shifts I cared for an 86 years old woman. She came into the hospital for the treatment of her rapid heart rate. This woman is generally very active, as a matter of fact the day she came into the hospital she was planning a dinner party.
Her and her 90 year old husband live alone in a 3 bedroom rancher to which they just moved into. They made the choice to move because they realized that the farm was becoming to much for them. Good decision on their part. However, they bought their new residence before the farm was sold and are having financial worries. As it turns out they had the farm inspected and it turns out they need to spend $20K to repair the septic. Ouch! In addition to the financial worries her husband is very crippled with scoliosis and walks almost bent over, and mobilizes very slowly as a result. He also has other medical concerns I was witness to his condition when he came to visit her. He arrives to visit his wife and is completely short of breath. I get him a wheelchair for which he was very thankful and wheeled him into visit his wife. When it is time for him to go, my colleagued volunteered to take him to his car via the wheelchair. I know I know what you are thinking...what is this man doing driving. That is a whole different issue and a great topic for another day. Anyhow, this goes on for two days, on the second day another staff member brought him to the unit and I ended up wheeling him back to his car. Here is my concern. The patient is the primary caregiver to her husband. She was crying while she was telling me this...it's becoming very difficult to manage him, boxes are piled up that haven't been unpacked, she is maintaining the house to the best of her ability. She is doing all of this with her current condition. My heart went out to her. I contacted our Discharge planning nurse explained the situation to her and to see if there where any services that they would qualify for. Unfortunately, with all the cut backs, there was little she could offer. It was decided that maybe they needed a long term care assessment which would get the ball rolling for the time when they may need residential care. The discharge planning nurse and I both discuss about family involvement. And the role the families need to play in situations like this. I spoke with the patient about this and she of course said that they were all busy with their lives.
My question to you all is this. If that were your mother or father would you leave them to floundering? Or would you step in and assist them in anyway you could?
The patient told me that she has 5 children, a daughter who lives in Vancouver and the sons all live back east.
I can remember when my mom was deteriorating with her Alzheimer's, all the brothers and sisters got together and came up with a plan. We recognized that we all have our lives and families to care for but felt that if we worked together on this it wouldn't be to much of a burden on anyone. I being the nurse took the lead role. My eldest sister and I had power of attorney, but because my sister was travelling so much at the time I managed my moms finances....I liaised with the home care nurse, I arranged for my moms meds through the pharmacy, I did her shopping. The other brothers and sisters all took turns coming to cook mom her dinner and give her her evening meds. I had also arranged to have mom picked up for adult day programs. We took turns doing her laundry and I would bathe her and wash and set her hair. I guess there were some advantages to my mom having 12 children.
I realize that most families can't do what we did....but a lot can but for some reason chose not to. I recognize that distance and family obligations can make it difficult for families to step up to the plate for their parents. But I just can't help but think ....our parents were always there for us....they made many sacrifices so that we could have a good life. Shouldn't I do the same for them? When my mom took ill I went to the mainland and stayed....I knew my sisters and brothers were there...but she is my mom and I will do whatever I can. My life was put on hold. There were financial repercussions for me doing that....but I would do it again in a heart beat if I had too.
Is this culturally based? Some sociologist might say yes. Having being in the health care environment for a long time I have witnessed all kinds of family dynamics....some families just want to be totally there for their loved one and others it's really comes across as an inconvenience to them to have to be there or do anything for their loved one. For some families it is just an expectation that this is what you do. I wonder why this is? I know some would say people reap what they sow....but in this situation I can't imagine this woman being anything but kind and giving. So where are her children? Why haven't they stepped up to the plate?
So what is your take on this?
Hope you all are having a fantastic day! 
17 comments:
Well...
Anyone looking at my family and hearing from my mom, who is mental, you'd think we are bad kids.
We have tried and tried to do things for our mom and she is mean. Outsiders may think she's sweet. She has never been sweet, very controlling all our lives. Pushes us away. Doesn't answer phone. Go to check on her she locks us out.
Just to name a few things. She's rotten to my dad, and I hate it. Just trying to cope and not inflame a bad situation. I stay away. My way of dealing. I'm bad!
Yes family dynamics can be involved with this family you are talking about. They may be selfish, ungrateful, children or it may be the other way around. Hard to know.
Love your photos.
First of all, congratulations on your 200th post:-) I'm back from my trip and trying to play catch up with everyone again! This was a very interesting post and my heart really goes out to that elderly couple! It's so sad that they have 5 children and yet none of them seem to have been around to help their parents! I would help my mom in a heartbeat, no question about it!! I do hope that couple can get some much needed help!! xox
Heartbreaking! My husband and I have been sandwich generation caregivers for over ten years now. I can not imagine ignoring the needs of a family member. It's just not in my nature..
This post really hit home with me. When my mother was dying from Alzheimer's, my Dad took over her total care - some intimate care that shocked me and my sisters - but he would not allow any of us to help. He had been a controlling and abusing father all our lives, so we just visited our Mom when we could and did what we could to make our time together the best we could. Well, now it's my Dad's turn and even though he was a b**gger, we all stepped up and did what had to be done. One sister was a nurse so she handled the medical end, the other's strength (and job) is financial, so she was the power of attorney, and I went every day to the hospital and reported to the others, cleaned and emptied his apartment, and just generally did what I could to help. He's now in a care facility and with all the anti-depressants and anti-psychotics he's being given (after being diagnosed by a geriatric psychiatrist) he's become a sweet little old man. We asked the hospital staff why they couldn't have had all these drugs 50 years ago. But at least we'll have better memories of him when he goes to join our Mom. We could have abandoned him after our Mom died, but family is family. It's our duty and privilege to try to make our parents' last years as good as possible. I know that even though we might have some bad memories, they did the best they could for us with the tools they had. Why others don't step up is a mystery to me. Busyness doesn't cut it - I think it's pure selfishness.
I come from a culture where unfortunately, the kids are expected to take care of the parents when they get old. Otherwise, it would be karmic hell. Sometimes I can't help but think what an unfair situation that puts the children in... then again, maybe it's just fair to give back something to the parents?
My brothers and I cared for my Mom and Dad. My Mom and Dad cared for their folks.
I understand that some parents (and some childern) have mental problems that make life tough (Example, my granddaugther is an Asperger child; although she is brilliant, her social skills need work.) we should make every effort to cope with parents and kids.
I pray for the person above whose mom locks her out, does not answer the phone, etc. that makes for a very hard life.....
I, also, pray for the mom..
steve
I think I've mentioned before my Mom and I had a very contentious relationship almost all my adult life but when she got sick and finally allowed me to take her to a doctor (you know, you can't force somethings either no matter what some may think), in one respect with my Mom's illness - cancer, late stage when diagnosed and she died within a week's time in the hospital -I would not have been able to care for her at home, had she been able to be discharged which would have meant a nursing home. Where I was working was an hour's drive in one direction, the hospital was a half-hour drive in the opposite direction and I had three children at home, had just become a single parent to boot and my two younger kids were only 4 and 6 years old at the time. I managed somehow then to work, come home and hurry and pick up the kids and race to the hospital to have a chance to spend a little bit of what time my Mom had left then with her. It was a Godsend for my Mom that she died within a week and put her out of the terrible pain she was enduring but it was also a blessing in disguise for me, for my children, as I would have been really hard put to try to keep up that pattern of travel every day had it gone on for any length of time. I would have done it but it would have been extremely hard on my kids and me-and on my finances too with the extra gas costs even at the price of gasoline back then - heaven forbid trying to do that with the gas costs today! My Mom gave up her life, virtually, to stay at home and care for both my grandparents when they no longer were mentally or physically capable of doing that for themselves. She too was an RN, was also a widow with one child and we made our home anyway with my grandparents. But still, it gave my other aunts/uncles the freedom to maintain their lives. They helped Mom anyway they could though even though none of them lived nearby -each one of her siblings lived at least a 3-4 hour drive away from us. And, I never heard any of them complain about doing anything my grandparents needed either. It was expected of them -not spoken - just expected that was what you did.
My folks were always there for us kids....three of us, all girls! My dad was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver when I was 17 and my mom fell ill and passed away 3 years later.
If they had survived, I would be there for them without giving it a second thought. My paternal grandfather became ill shortly after my first husband passed away and I and my sister who lives here took care of him until he passed too.
I think it shows love and respect to care for the aging family members....if you are able and if they allow you too.
Very thought provoking post, smalltown rn!
Hugs
Those of us who live the Sandwich Generation life - or worse, the super-sandwichers, those who have children AND grandchildren, parents AND grandparents (like me) and are balancing a career that is demanding and energy-consuming have some super-challenges.
There is no way for me to be there for my oldest daughter, who is graduating from college this weekend, AND my 73 year old mother, who needs someone to drive her to the train station to visit her 95 year old mother back east.
That's just one example of what feels like every day of my life. I know I'm not alone in this incredible challenge.
For my part, if I have to choose between the needs of my children and my parents I choose my children almost every time - my mother has had a full life; my kids are just starting on their life journeys and still need parenting.
So who helps the parents/grands? Thank God for kind, generous people like you, who, in your professional capacity listen, support and care.
It takes more than a village with our current longevity - it may, in fact, take us all.
RN, I have a hard time relating here, because my parents were both dead before I turned 17. I'd like to think that I would be there for them.
I wonder how thoroughly aware of the situation her children are. She's going to naturally not want to burden her children who have busy lives, but if they are a caring family at all, I would think the children would want to know if the situation is seriously in need of help. It's hard to know what to do when you are trying to preserve the dignity of the elderly, but providing needed care at the same time. It's hard to give up independence and call out for help. I'd suggest contacting the family, if they haven't already.
Sharon Is it possible for you to pay for a taxi for your mother to get to the train station so that you can still attend your daughter's graduation? In my opinion, that could be a solution so that everyone wins. I truly hope and pray you can be there for your daughter. I'm sure your mother was there for you in your times of need.
how horrible for this poor couple. My parents are still quite young (late 50's), but my mom has already had a few health issues. My sister and I have shared the "babying mom" when she was off for knee surgery and to be honest, it was really nice to finally get a chance to do something for HER! lol I'd have no problem taking in one or both of my parents however, I'm not so sure how they'd feel about it! very independent those two! I think I should start doing a bit more to help mom out so she gets used to getting help and hopefully won't be afraid to ask for help one day when she really needs it.
This story is heartbreaking. Those kids should be there to help.. in any way they can. I'm sure there are older, if not, adult grandchildren as well.
My dad passed a long time ago, but of course I would help my mother if she didn't live 1200 miles away. But I would do what I could from here.
One of my dad's cousins lived with his parents who were very elderly and ill. He took care of them as much as he could, but his health wasn't the best (though, he had a very poor lifestyle); he passed away suddenly and his sister took over with the help of a visiting nurse and probably some other type health. She has two other sisters living out of state but neither of them did much to help out...sort of understandable I suppose. My Aunt would come every few months to help out (she lives 12 hours away). I can't imagine how much stress my cousin was under though...as she was the main caregiver...working two jobs, then also helping her daughter with her son in the last few months.
I don't know how she did it.
That is just awful! I don't think that kids take care of their parents the way that they should these days.
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