What do you fear the most? For me I thought it would be to die from drowning. After my past two day shifts I think that has changed. I truly believe it is fire. The thought of being burnt brings all kinds of fearful thoughts to mind.My past two day shifts I have nursed a patient who was the victim of a heinous crime. Her ex-boyfriend threw lighter fluid on her and set her on fire. I can't imagine, what that would have been like for her. To have someone that you trusted, someone who you cared for and thought cared for you, turned on you and to did something so cruel and unbelievably brutal.
The other morning when I came on shift I listened to report. They briefly outlined what happened but seemed to focus more on her behaviours than the care she required. My initial thought was....ok, I am up for a challenge. So I chose to nurse her. I really had no idea what I was in for. My morning started off rather hectic, and I wasn't able to really pay her much attention at first. She patiently waited only calling a couple of times. I explained what was going on and that I would be with her shortly.
Through report I was told that she had long history of drug and alcohol abuse, the circumstances to which she arrived at the hospital were very unusual. A bystander found her face down on the ground....picked her up and brought her to our ER. The driver advised the ER staff that while on route to the hospital she consumed a mickey of alcohol. I was told that her behaviour in ER was aggressive and abusive and required restraining.
What I was finding disturbing about all of this was that she was being labelled, as a problem patient with many psychosocial issues. Yes she had a past, yes she was intoxicated, yes she had mental issues, but she did not deserve to have what happened to her.
When I was able to spend time with her, I explained what I saw as the plan for the day. I told her that she could be assured that she would get her medications when she needed them and especially when it came time for the dressing changes.
When it did come time to change the dressings, I wasn't prepared for what I was going to see. Once I took down the old dressing and she was exposed I initially gasp inside....she wanted to see and requested a mirror....she looked, she cried...I cried inside along with her. I then asked if she would like to listen to some music while I did the dressing.....Sara Brighton was the choice...so soothing....I carefully cleansed and sponged the areas, applied the creams and dressings. I just couldn't help wonder what she must being thinking. It got me thinking about my husband and his burns and what he endured...the only difference is that hers were caused by someone doing this to her deliberately. Intentionally wanting to disfigure her.
I made it through my first day with her. Today, I am exhausted. She emotionally drained me. I so wanted to be there for her...but I knew I had to detach myself perform my tasks but also at the same time be her advocate and assure her that while she was in our care her safety and well being was of utmost importance, and my job was to ensure she had a safe and healthy environment and that I ensured she was comfortable.
Her emotional needs were more than I was ready for. At times I had to cut her short as others also required my attention. This caused her to retreat. I felt bad about that ..but there was nothing I could have done. As soon as time permitted I was there for her. I felt at times she needed more than I could give her. I wanted to take not so much her physical pain away but her emotional pain. I realize I couldn't do that....but I still wanted to. By the end of my 12 hour shift I was done. I knew that there was no more to give. I had sat with her and chatted....brushed her hair ....talked to counsellors.....spoke with the ministry for family and children.....spoke with victims assistance.....fielded telephone calls.....explained the situation to visitors......I am spent.
My long drive home gave me an opportunity to reflex on my day....could I have done things differently....what truly where her life's dynamics...that I am sure I will never know.....then my thoughts would float to my husband and how his whole life was altered because of his burns.
By the time I arrived home I was quiet. My husband even commented on my silence. I couldn't say much at first.... but eventually I started to open up....I wanted to cry..... I was angry, upset and in disbelief as to how one human being can be so cruel. The sad thing was that I knew that she was not alone, that many others endure terrible senseless crimes and it was beyond my control. All that I could control was my surroundings and those of my patient. Yes I was saddened and spent...but then I realized....there is tomorrow.....tomorrow I have a chance to make a difference.....tomorrow I will be rejuvenated and will do what I can...there are so many questions.....so many things I don't understand.......so much cruelty.....so much pain .......I wish her comfort. I wish her a bright tomorrow.
19 comments:
It is truly incredible how humans can put so much pain, deliberately, onto another human. I hope you are able to return to your duties, somewhat refreshed and ready to be there for this young woman. I know, from reading your posts for sometime now, you are very conscientious in your work, so I know you will try to do your best to be there for her without losing yourself in the process. I think becoming emotionally drained is much harder to get one's self replenished from because at times, you just don't know where to start with that. Peace, my dear and hopefully, you will be able to also bring peace to her too.
she is so lucky to have you for a nurse! i had one good nurse when i was in the hospital. i also had one that i asked why she was a nurse. she stopped, looked at me, and then said, maybe it was time for her to retire. i told her i agreed. she was that bad. sooooo, what i am saying, is thanks for being there for that woman.
smiles, bee
oh my do i feel you. that's when it's so much more than a job, because you go home changed. peace to you both. i'm glad she has you.
I am heartsick to hear of this poor woman having to endure such torment. You are a wonderful soul, taking her home with you in your mind and wishing you could give her more of yourself. Sometimes one has to know just how much you can give, though, in order to not be sucked under emotionally. After reading your previous post about "green," it sound like it's right on about you. God bless you for your giving spirit.
THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR SHIT LIKE THAT! Sorry for swearing/yelling but you know how I feel on this subject.
She is lucky to have you as a nurse. Any kindness you get when you are in a situation like that is worth more than gold. I was lucky to have my Mom by my bedside. It sounds like this poor woman has no one. I know you feel like you aren't doing enough but you have a demanding job. Believe me, years down the road this woman will remember who you are and be very greatful for everything you did.
Whim....I thought of you when I made this post, I know what you have endured....I feared that it would bring up bad thoughts for you...but that is sometimes the cruelty of life isn't it. I am glad you are angry...we all should be angry...as I said in my post..no one deserves that...
some days it's great to be a nurse, some days it stinks..sometimes it's both at the same time!! Try to leave her at the hosp so you can nurse YOU at home.
You are an angel. So few care these days it seems. It takes heart to open oneself with such empathy and take on the pain of others.
I don't get re-traumatized when I hear of things like this, just angry. I don't get flashbacks or anything like that (never have). Like you said this is something to get angry about. It is sad enough when someone dies/gets hurt in a fire that was an accident but when someone is intentionally set on fire... No excuse. None. Period.
This woman will be in my prayers.
you have a tremendously important job and it must be overwhelming some days, especially with patients like today's. you are doing such a great service and that is a very good thing. hang in there with the feelings about it.
Mary Anne, I think you must earn your wings and halo every day you go to work. I just cannot imagine some of the terrible things you must see. And they're all human beings, who need care and human tenderness, which you give them. And how much that must take from you...! That poor woman. I hope they caught the guy that did that to her.
Mary Anne, how awful for you but much more so for her. It's hard to believe sometimes how horrible people are to one another.
Know that you have brought her comfort for now, physical and emotional as well.
This is why I think most nurses are angels put on earth to help others in great need.
You REALLY care, and that's what makes the difference. I can imagine how tough it can get at times, but please don't stop. You are doing a terrific job. The world needs more people like you. =)
So few people take a chance to help someone. I know its your job, but still. My gratitude is yours for helping someone who needed it. It's good to know people are still out there. Keep posting!
As human we haven't yet learn how to be civil to each other.
But I believe there is more good people in this world then bad people.
And your one of those kind caring and gentle people.
for all the horrible things she has been through, somehow she was lucky enough to get you for her nurse.
I have to tell you something Mary Anne. I have been in hospitals where just becuase one nurse doesn't like you, none of the others are willing to give you a chance. It could be something as small as a personality conflict, but when that next nurse walks into your room, you know, that during report, you were labeled. Nothing you can say or do will change their opinion of you.
You are different from many of those nurses. no matter what you are told, you dont prejudge people. That's a very special gift to have. It is what makes you care so much and give so much of yoruself to others. Its what makes you the kind of nurse that other's envy. They just don't get it, but you do.
You will snap out of this soon. Then you will realize what a difference you made for her today, all becuase you didn't allow her to be labeled.
RN, what happened to this woman is intolerable, and I join everyone else in their outrage. If ever I find myself in a similar circumstance, I hope the nurse that cares for me is someone just like you.
Mary Anne, thank you for sharing that story. I hope you were able to gain some comfort by putting it in writing.
It was such a senseless act of cruelty. It's hard to believe there are people like that in the world.
I'm at a loss for words, myself but I think Josie's comment is worth repeating, "...you must earn your wings and halo every day you go to work."
This is why you are such a wonderful nurse! "Wings and halo," indeed! I read all of Echo Heron's books - her stories always scared me to death - because I was afraid I'd draw the short straw and get the nurse who was burnt out or had fought with her husband that morning...
When I think of how much sports stars are paid, contrasted to nurses, police, and firemen, (and others like) it makes me sick. Bless you!
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