Not feeling so sunny today.....

It was a relatively quite weekend for me. Saturday I spent the morning searching the Internet and drinking my latte....by early afternoon I decided it was time to do some house chores....hubby had asked me about a recipe I had for some cookies....hint hint.....so I baked some cookies. Saturday evening we spent over at the in laws playing cards...nice peaceful and relaxing. Sunday was pretty mellow as well.....after my morning latte I went out and cleared some brush at the top of the property....hubby was busy cutting down a tree and chopping it for firewood. By early afternoon I found myself cutting out material for an apron I made for my youngest daughter. All in all it was a productive weekend...but my mind was somewhere else.

Since my appointment with the specialist last week I have been a tad preoccupied to say the least, and to top it off I just physically have not been myself.

I think my blah, humdrum rainy day doldrums are taking their toll. My head is whirling with all the possibilities for the outcome of the surgery.....I am telling myself not to worry but in doing so I worry. My brother's wife called me on Saturday expressing her concern for me and really wished I would consider having my surgery sooner rather than later. I explained the rationale for the decision on the date and thanked her for her concern she was truly being very genuine and I was very appreciative of that, but it certainly did not help with my mood.

Part of me keeps saying "chin up" get on with it.....don't waste good energy worrying about something you have no control over. So when I say that, I try and distract myself by keeping busy...hence the sewing...and knitting.

Some times it works....some times it doesn't. There is part of me that just wants to crawl under the covers and come out when it is all over. But that isn't going to happen. Life must go on.....I must continue to be productive and enjoy everything that life puts before me. I just want to scream. I feel like a bundle of contradictions. There is a definite right and left side of me going on. The "don't worry be happy" and the "I am pissed,angry,sad and scared" side of me, and I hurt. I ache all over. Kinda like you feel when you get the flu.....but no fever, no sick stomach, nothing just this constant dull ache throughout my whole body. Like it's feeling it's all worn out.

I keep trying to do.....but Ifind I have to do a lot of self talk....generally this would come natural.....I love to run and be active....not so much right now....it's a struggle to get me onto my stepper...I'm doing it, but not enough.....so then I feel bad....I feel good mentally after I have exercised so I know it is something I should really work at trying to continue to do...but I would be lying if I didn't say it was a struggle.

Maybe I am just in a funk. But I ask you....don't you sometimes feel like you just want to hide till all bad things go away....like the ostrich? Or what about when you just aren't feeling like yourself but those around you think you should just get on with it. I want to smack them....well not really but you know what I mean? Or do you?

Monday is another day...I see my physio in the morning then my GP and in the evening....I am going to bellydancing.....so maybe that will help me with my funk.