Family

There was a time in my life when I thought I couldn't live without my family. They meant everything to me.

My parents chose to leave their familiar surroundings of family and friends and make their way to Canada. On July 1st 1953 Canada Day they arrive in Vancouver, with 5 children in tow and $35 in their pocket. My parents started their new life. Through hard work and dedication by both my parents they made a good life for all of us. There were 7 more children born after their arrival to Canada. My parents instilled many values, but none was more important than the commitment to family.

Now having grown up with those value systems so strongly instilled in me, I find myself at a crossroads in my life and faced with a choice.

Almost two years ago I presented my family with a request. For most, my request was seen as unreasonable, and they made it very clear that they were opposed to what I was asking. Emails and telephone calls ensued trying to provide clarification as to why I would ask such a thing. Some of my family members chose to remain silent, those who spoke, spoke against my request. The common thread was that they felt that I was infringing on their rights and taking their choice away.

Here was my question. I had asked my family "now that I was divorced and with a new man, would they consider not inviting my ex husband to all the family functions". I mentioned to them that due to my job and geographical location I would most probably not be in attendance at many of the gatherings and that if they chose to invite my ex husband that was totally ok with me, but in situations like family weddings, anniversaries, graduations and such, would they consider my attendance with my partner (now husband) before asking my ex-husband to attend.

I was not prepared for their response. They were outraged. You would have thought I was asking them to give up their first born. I was shocked and taken aback by their responses as I did not consider my request unreasonable. They felt I was trying to dictate to them who they may invite to functions. They felt that my ex was still a part of the family and if they wanted to invite him they would regardless of how it would make me feel. They felt I should grow up and deal with it. They felt that my new partner (now husband) would have to “earn his stripes” with the family. Their rationale did not sit well with me and heated words were exchanged. I have been unable to understand why they feel so strongly about having my ex attend all the functions when none of my brothers or sisters ex’s are invited? my sister "K's" rationale was that she felt, because of the longevity of my first marriage and the relationship my ex had developed with my family that I demonstrated good judgment in partners (good judgment for whom?) she also said “The problem is, that many of the events you would go to are those that are particularly meaningful for the family. Given that the events (weddings, graduations, 50th birthday parties etc) would be special, it would be particularly difficult not to include…….in the invitation. As well, given our busy lives, it is only at these gatherings that we get to see one another. As it is, our connection to……. in your absence, is already significantly curtailed”

I have difficulties with her rationale.

I have not spoken with this sister in over 18 months. Nor have I spoken to other members of the family. This is unheard of as we use to speak all the time and get together at least once a month if not more. But I just can’t seem to bring myself to accepting their rationale for having my ex-husband at all of these functions. Now, with my sister “A” being diagnosed with breast cancer and her upcoming wedding in July, I am faced with making a choice.

I recognize that life is so very short and can be taken from us in a heart beat, and I shouldn’t waste valuable time by being angry and distancing myself from them. But it is a matter of principle for me.

Why should my ex-husband be invited to all the family functions when none of my other brothers or sister’s ex’s are at these functions? And why do I have to share my family and experiences with my ex-husband when my new husband is in attendance? When does it become a time for my new husband to be welcomed into the family? How can he earn his “stripes” if they don’t even give him a chance? Do I want to subject him to that kind of scrutiny? Who do they think they are passing such judgment on people? My ex-husband and I get along fine we had an amicable divorce, but that doesn’t mean that I want to see him at all of my family functions.

The other day I received an email from my sister “K”. Her email didn’t make me want to pick up the phone and call her…it just made me angry and affirmed to me that she still doesn’t understand why I was upset about what had transpired.

Should I respond to my sister’s email? If I do, what do I say? Do I attend my sister’s wedding, knowing that my ex-husband will be there? Do I attend my sister’s wedding knowing that the rest of my family will be there and that they are all still of the same frame of mind as they were 18 months ago?

My husband says he will support me in whatever choice I make. I am confident that I will go to my sister’s wedding, but I am not sure that I can speak with most of my family. I recognize that my sister “K” put out an olive branch but I don’t feel it was sincere. I am struggling terribly with this one. Do I bite my tongue and let go of my principles and bow to the family? Or do I stand my ground?

As my father would say "Oh Life".

Wishing you all a fabulous weekend!