Have you ever heard of the saying "I'm so mad I could spit" not very lady like I know, but that is just how I feel right now. Actually, I don't know if I am mad, upset with myself, scared or what it is I am truly feeling. You know it's not a good thing when you get a call from you ex unexpectedly. Such was the case last evening.Last evening my ex calls and opens the conversation with "don't worry but....." As it turns out he had to go pick up my middle daughter from work last evening. Apparently she was having visual difficulties, then numbing in her thumb which eventually radiated up her arm, she was finding it very difficult to process information as she puts it everything was in hyper speed but her mind was processing it in slow motion and then when she went to speak she said it felt like her tongue was thick and she began to slur her words. Her co-workers noticed that she wasn't right and asked if she was ok....finally once she realized she could no longer function she went to her manager and sat in the back room until her father arrived, and this is what he calls to tell me.
My heart takes an extra beat, but I convince myself to stay calm. I asked to speak to her....she didn't sound to bad....tired and lethargic, I had her put her father back on the phone....I instructed him to do a mini neurological assessment on her and convey the findings to me as he did them...according to him they were all ok....I told him that if she has any of the symptoms that she had at work to take her immediately to the ER. I spoke to her again and reinforced to her to let her father know if she feels anything untoward. In speaking with her father I said she needed to get in to see the GP the next day(being today), and that he should consider going with her.
I called him first thing this morning, she had a good night....he hadn't checked in on her yet but was about to, he said that if she was ok he was going to go to work and that eldest daughter had an appointment with the doctor and that she would go with her. Ok call me crazy but I start to get a tad upset with this response, it's his daughter for god's sakes...but hey.
I contact both girls in the morning gave them love sent good wishes and told them to call me as soon as they had seen the doctor. I called them before they could call me. Here's what we know.
She has to go see a neurologist.....we have a very strong familial history for strokes in my family and I suffer from severe atypical migraines. We don't take this lightly, and neither does the family GP he did a thorough neurological assessment on her sent her for blood work and an ECG...he is treating her for complicated migraines and prescribed medication.....same as I take....and told her what to do but if all else fails go to plan "C" and that is go to the ER. But through the testing the ECG showed she has a heart block and needs to see a cardiologist(guess that would explain her syncope episode at work a couple of weeks ago). So my dear daughter has got her mothers unfortunate genes......migraines(hopefully that is all it is) and heart.....I just hope she doesn't need a pacemaker....not that it's the end of the world...I was 23 when I got mine and it was the best thing that ever happened to me....my nephew at 19 had a pacemaker....again a very strong gene in my family.
So back to the being angry. Now having found all this out, it would have been beneficial to have had a parent there to help explain things to her and or be an extra pair of ears...my eldest daughter again bless her heart stayed in the doctors office with her and while she was seeing the doctor....eldest daughter expressed her disappointment with her father as well...she felt he should have been there....I thought he should have as well.....actually I would have loved to have been there. I will be there when she sees both the cardiologist and the neurologist as she is seeing both the doctors that I saw when I lived on the mainland.
I am sad because I wasn't there for her.....if I was on the mainland I would have dropped everything and been there for her....I feel I let her down,and that breaks my heart. The only redeeming thing for me today is that in speaking with her she sounded good....scared but good....I told her if she needed me I would be there tomorrow...as it is I will be there Friday....she will then come and spend a few days with me.
You know it doens't matter how old your children are, they are always your children and I would never forgive myself if anything where to happend that I could have helped prevent.
So that is my rant....needed to get that off of my chest.......my hubby says I shouldn't blame myself, that I was there although via phone and giving instructions.....I know he was trying to make me feel better, but it didn't really.....what would have made me feel better was if her father would have gone with her......guess that is one of the reasons he's the ex........
16 comments:
I'm so mad I could spit is an expression I grew up on and have used myself on more than one occasion. I totally understand your feelings on this one. I also agree with your husband that you were a big help in terms of guiding via instructions and thank goodness your older daughter could go with her. I understand some of what this must be like. My daughter has had some hospital procedures and stays in Maryland (undergraduate school) and is followed by an endocrinologist in Iowa (law school). It's so hard, no matter what the age, not to be at all the appointments with our children. I'm sorry your ex didn't go with your daughter but glad her sister was there. I'll be sending out good thoughts for your daughter.
blogging is one way of rant or confessing about anything that one likes.
I even do it.
Keep us up dated and you'll be in my prayers.
I would have felt the same way......the anger toward the ex!!! And I understand your feeling you let your daughter down, even though you didn't! We MOMS will always feel guilty and that we let them down when it comes to things that we can't be there for. The thing about this is that you are always there emotionally for them; even when it is impossible to be there physically for them. The girls know how much you love them and how much you value them......and they reciprocate that back to you......they learned that well from you my friend! Please keep me updated on what is going on with her and know that you all will be in by thoughts and prayers!
Hugs!!!
((((HUGS)))) Please keep us updated. I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers.
Know exactly the feelings you are describing here as well as the expression as I too have used it on many occasions.
Be really thankful that you could do what you did -that you are aware (VERY aware) of family issues and the ways these things manifest themselves in people then too. I would have been very upset but would never have thought of the potential issues you named here -strokes, pacemaker, etc.
It is a normal reaction to want to be with your children no matter what the age when things go awry -whether it be accident, illness or even petty little things -we do tend to feel, to believe we have to be there to hold their hand because no one can do that quite like Mom can, ya know.
But you have nothing at all to feel guilty about as you did what you could from afar and you'll be there for her at the next move then. You can only do and be so much too ya know.
Will keep you and daughter both in my thoughts and prayers. And please, keep us posted here too when you can.
Hi, smalltown. I haven't been by in a while. Sending lots of prayers your daughter's way. Scary stuff. Ex- should be whipped. What is he, nuts?? These are not symptoms you wait and see about. Well, as you say--guess that is why he's the ex.
Donnetta
I was sad to read this post and I truly think things will work out for your daughter. I didn't realize migraine are connected to heart issues (I've had them for over 45 years). I know how you feel about your daughter. My offspring lives 3000 km away, is 42 years old but when there is a health problem (as there currently is), I wish I was there with him. We will always be mothers no matter what the age of our kids...ciao
Oh I think I might have misled some of you....there are two health issues here.....heart and migraines....she has a heart block...but what brought her to the doctor was the migraine(that is what I am praying it will eventually by diagnosed as)it was while doing the investigation that they found out she had a heart block...so what I was referencing was my poor daughter got my bad genes....
Oh dear, Mary Anne. Not good. I can only imagine the helplessness you must have felt. She definitely sounds as if she picked up your migraine genes as it is so typical of when it comes to the female side of the family. Oh that poor girl.
I am so happy she is doing better now. I surely hope it is a one time attack and not a life time affliction, as you know what that feels like.
I hope the tests go well with the specialists, keep us informed.
(Hugs)
Michele
I think the EX needs a good kick right in the a@@! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your daughter.
genetic migrain sufferers here too...I hope she is ok and that was it....
what a fright for you...
it is HARD when you cant be RIGHT there....I know.
Don't beat yourself up though.
Your daughters sound both amazing and capable.
I use that phrase all the time - it's sums up how you feel really well.
I can understand you feeling guilty not being able to be there with your daughter - it's a Mum thing - no matter how old they are you just feel you have to be there! I'll keep your daughter in my thoughts and include her when I'm sending Reiki. xx
I hope that everything is okay with your daughter.
I've spent many a night in the ER while my younger daughter was suffering from migraines and the medical staff had her on an IV with certin kinds of meds. It's AWFUL to be there, BUT I'd rather that than not knowing how she's doing. Imagine if it were US...we'd like someone to keep our spirits up. I think men either minimize things or just can't face things like this. It could have been your ex's coping skills (or lack thereof). I sure hope everything works out okay for your little girl! (I know, I know she's almost all grown up, but...)
I empathize with you. We all want to be within touching distance of our children but that is not always possible. You did what you could do. Keep us informed.
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