I am struggling with something and your input would be appreciated.
In this day and age of technology there are many ways to stay in touch and to find old friends. One such venue is Facebook. I primarily use facebook to stay in touch with family and friends that I have worked with. Personally I have not attempted to contact anyone from my college or high school days. No desire really. But there are those who really have a need to reach out and find people from their past for whatever reason.
So I present this to you. A few months ago an old girlfriend of my husband contacted him. She found him via Facebook. They connected there and then exchanged MSN addresses and IM and eventually she sent him her telephone number.
She made the initial contact.....I know he was excited to talk to her...as he says she was not only his girlfriend but a good friend....I can accept that. What I am having difficulties with is her continued need/desire to contact him. It's one thing to catch up on things...it's another to make regular contact. As of late a mutual friend of theirs past away unexpectedly, she contacted my hubby to let him know...she went as far as calling his dad in an attempt to get a hold of my husband. They connected. He got the information about their mutual friend......and sent his condolences to the family. The family were appreciative of his letter and called to tell him so. That was a very touching moment, and I am glad that he was able to connect.
So there, Facebook was good for that....but now what? She continues to make contact....in one of her IM's she actually said...."Your hot"....now how am I to take that? Why would she say that....I asked my hubby about it...he said she always talks like that....hmmmm.
Personally I just find it all very odd. Why would a women who is supposedly in a relationship make continued contact with my husband, telling him he is hot and asking him when he is coming out east, if she wasn't interested in him? Am I being paranoid? Does anyone else find this odd?
I have asked my husband to just acknowledge how this all makes me feel. His response is....that he doesn't respond to her IM's anymore because he knows how it makes me feel. Well that is all well and good. But that is not acknowledging my feelings. Anyone who has taken any conflict course will know what I mean by that. Rather than saying what he said.....if he truly was acknowledging he would say something along the lines....".....I know how that must make you feel"...or " I know that must be hurtful to you and because of that I don't want to talk to her"...but rather he says....I don't talk to her out of respect for you.....so what...if I wasn't around he would? I don't know...maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but it has upset me. All I want him to do is acknowledge that I am upset....that's it...nothing more......
Personally, I'd like to dim her lights but I know that would be frowned upon. I have asked him...if the shoe were on the other foot how would you feel? He never gives me a straight answer...but I know he would not like it. I can't help but wonder what is her motivation for all of this. Is it that she just wanted to connect with a friend from the past? Albeit a lover. I don't know. All I know is that it hurts me, and I don't like it. If she knows he's married which he says she does...then why doesn't she talk to both of us...why just him...why exclude me?
I am thankful that he has a bit more class and has opted not to respond to her advances.
I really would appreciate hearing your take on this....I have broad shoulders tell it as it is...if I am a nut ball and off of my rocker for being upset about this...then tell me...I can handle it....personally I just want to put it to rest....but it's hard when she continues to make contact via MSN.....I want to reach through the screen and give her a shake and tell her to leave us alone. But that won't happen....so here I am....left trying to deal with the silly emotions. I know my husband loves me....I truly believe that....and I trust him....it's her and her motivations I don't trust.....
10 comments:
Well first of all your not a nut ball!
I believe this woman has an agenda with your husband, feeling him out so to speak. I know how you feel, been there in a similar situations.
It's not pleasant and your hubby would be feeling much the same way if the shoe were on the other foot, whether he's willing to admit that or not. She's intruding on you and your husbands marriage period, unless you've both agreed to an open marriage. She's putting him on the spot as well. Doubt he wants to be rude to her, but hell she's being rude to you by pushing boundaries.
Wouldn't it be great if men could just say oh it's nice to chat but my wife is feeling uncomfortable by your continued advances, so please don't contact me again.
This of course is just my opinion. The internet sure has made life miserable in some ways, this is a perfect example of one of them.
janeywan
You are right to be concerned Mary Anne.
This woman has a cheek to speak to your husband in such a personal manner, it is quite obvious what is on her agenda.
I would be tempted to get in touch with her and tell her to get lost, or even better, tell her you are going to contact her Partner and tell him how she's behaving.
Your Husband also needs to contact this woman and tell her to cease contact as her behaviour is inappropiate.
This may seem a little harsh but it is the action I would take.
I had to deal with an ex of my husband's and, as soon as I threatened to tell her husband about her behaviour she backed off!
Hope this helps.
Di.
You are not a nut!
This woman has designs on your husband.
If it were my husband I would ask him to email her with me by his side and tell her straight he wants no more contact with her because it is causing a rift between you, then I would want him to let me hit the send button and erase her email address from the computer and never be in contact with her again.
That's what I'd do, you need to do something but what is entirely up to you. Good luck with it RN, I'm sending Reiki to your situation honey I hope you resolve it. x
Hi Mary Anne,
If she hadn't said he was hot I would feel differently. I think it's one thing to have contact with an old girl friend and be on a friendly basis, knowing it's purely platonic, and another to make comments like "you're hot". Maybe your husband's way of acknowledging your feelings is to cut off contact. In a perfect world he would say something directly to understand how you feel but sometimes it's hard for people to articulate. That said I understand why this would bother you. Take care, Carver
Oh my gosh.. my heart goes out to you right now. You are not crazy to be concerned!!!
My guess is that the bitch, I mean woman, is not happy in her own marriage, perhaps bored (as we all tend to get from time to time) and is getting some jollies by talking to your husband, her old boyfriend. Maybe she's reliving those old feelings or something.
That is why she only talks to him.
WHATEVER!
She is WAY out of line with the things she has said to him, especially telling him he is hot.
I'm certain your husband would NOT like it if things were the other way around.
He should tell the woman he will not talk to her if she continues along that vein. He should try to bring you into the conversation. Oh hell.. to be honest he should stop talking to her at all and then kiss your feet and worship the very ground you walk on.
Since that probably won't happen and since you can't control what others do... I guess you'll have to trust him. (My own tendency would be to cry and whine and maybe nag but that would only push him away.)
If he's broken off communication with her then try to just let it go as best you can. Smile on the outside if needed either way.. and blog or email me about the rest.
*HUGS*
You are absolutely NOT crazy. This woman definitely has some sort of idea towards your husband and it's totally not appropriate.
Honestly, I'd friend request her on facebook personally and then keep a watchful eye on her. Let her know, in an indirect way, that you're watching. Ya know?
Your husband needs to put his foot down and respect your feelings for real in this situation. If the tables were turned, he definitely would be bothered by this.
I actually had a situation arise like this recently. Not a former boyfriend, but a co-worker of mine had been messaging me long personal things on facebook. I didn't see the big deal, but it made my husband uncomfortable and because of that, I put an end to that out of respect for him, and the fact that I wouldn't want to get myself into some sort of situation.
For what it's worth, I totally think your instincts are right and you're definitely not insane.
Bytheway...I'm currently in school for a health care degree and I really appreciate your blog! :)
A bit of a "Sticky wicket" you've got going on here, girl! As to your reaction -Normal, yes, nutball, NO! I think most everyone would react in a similar fashion -some more, others maybe brush it off more so, but still, react a little anyway.
As Barb said, we have no control over what others think/do, how each responds/reacts, etc. See now, I would take your husbands response that he doesn't communicate there out of respect for you as being his way of saying the words you are expecting to hear -"I know you are hurting" and that type of conversation. I know where those lines are coming from -counseling, anger management, expressions to use in what is called "fair fighting" but ya know, not everyone has had the opportunity to learn those things so they use their own words that are their own way of expressing pretty much the same meaning to them. Don't let the semantics and rhetoric get in your way and expect things to be word for word there what you think should be said.
As to her and the e-mail/IM stuff -well, maybe that is all a part of her basic personality, which since you don't really know her, you have no knowledge, first hand, if she maybe is really outgoing, maybe just a tad aggressive in appearance anyway. Or, maybe she really IS that way. To request or expect your husband to cease and desist, because it all makes you pretty uncomfortable -well, sometimes the less said, the better and you have to determine how far your own trust level is too. As to her calling him "HOT" gee, Mary Ann, I've seen pictures of him -don't know him from Adam except through what you write about him but I'd be inclined to say pretty much the same thing about him and maybe even to him if I knew him! Where's your confidence level here? You could take that as a big compliment not just to him (cause he is that, ya know) but also to yourself for being his life partner too. Kind of nice to think others may think that highly of the person we have chosen and who has also chosen us -or you, in this configuration. Know what I mean there?
I think the more negative approach you take to this, the more it could cause things to escalate too depending then on HIS sense of "adventure" there.
And, as to her leaving you out of the mix -kind of hard to start up a conversation with someone you don't really know too at times. You might be outgoing enough perhaps to be able to communicate with her, without knowing her, but she may not be similarly inclined, only able to chat with him because of the nature of their old friendship. Who knows, maybe if you pick up her e-mail addy and write her a note yourself, just friendly-nothing ominous-but kind of letting her know in that way that you and he are open about her to that degree, come to terms with her better by your getting a little more acquainted ya know. Just a thought there but that too depends on how well you could deal with the communication with someone you are currently kind of perceiving as a threat to your happy home life.
Just my thoughts kid. And remember we all form our opinions, feelings, etc., from our own base level of operation so some of us are going to see this from a different angle and we might all be "all wet" in the process too!
Thank you all for your comments I truly appreciate them.....hubby has read the responses to this post as well. So we had another chat....and I said to him seeing as he doesn't respond to her IM's anymore why not block and delete her....I then said if he needed closure then he could write her an email send it and that would be the end of it. He agreed......he's a good man.....I love him bunches....and yes Jeni I to think he is a hottie...I just didn't need to read that his ex-girlfriend thought he was as well....bit of the ol green monster in me I think.
Anyhow all, thank you....
I read this post yesterday and was going to comment but I thought the first commenter was pretty sensible and did not know what to add.
Those since have done just as well.
I did think at the time, why doesn't he just block her but then my technical knowledge doesn't extend to this in MSN.
The truth of the matter is he is probably flattered and I don't think we can blame him for those feelings. But it seems he is going to do the "right thing" after all. We also have to remember that men and women do look at things differently and men don't always do what we as women would do. Glad you have got it all sorted.
Hi Mary Ann, I just saw this post of yours and have to echo what everyone else said. And he CAN delete her from his Facebook AND his MSN - if he wants to. Sounds like he will if he wants your marriage to work.
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