We all the know or have heard of the book "Men are from Mars Women are from Venus" written by John Gray Phd. The purpose of his book is to help men and women to communicate better in a relationship by understanding the differences in the way the sexes think and process information.
I have just spent the past 5 weeks living in a house with 4 males, my hubby, my two step sons and my brother in law. Life couldn't be more different. I think now I can understand how my ex felt living in a house with 4 females.
When we get married for the first time we see the world ahead of us, as a couple we try to grow together the first few years can be difficult finding the comfort zone in the relationship and how each person fits within the relationship. Then as a couple you decide to start a family. You raise your children with values that are important to you and try to teach them life's lessons in preparation for them to one day leave the roost and spread their wings.
I think things are a little different when you remarry and combine families. Again, one would hope that the husband and wife would share the same value system, goals, and expectations. Then come the children of the new union. In this new marriage the children live with the other parent, due to distance the couple now only sees them on scheduled visits. As a result the other parent has more input with regards to instilling values and life lessons. Which brings us to now.
I have lived these past 5 weeks with two young teenage boys. Having only raised girls this can be a challenge. I found myself trying to understand their sense of humour. Case in point. Bathroom humour. They find is necessary to share their bathroom experiences with everyone. The other day we were all out and I had to excuse myself to use the washroom, upon my return my hubby pipes up "Did everything come out ok?" right in the middle of the store of course this opened the door for the boys and on came the bathroom humour. I was disgusted and walked away and went looking at other things, this unfortunately caused conflict. I have mentioned to the boys and to my hubby that I do not appreciate that kind of humour, for me actually there is no humour in it at all. I tried to think if I ever experienced anything like that with my girls and I can honestly say that I haven't. Never in a million years would my girls bring up such a topic...and certainly not in mixed company. Which brings us to an example of Venus and Mars.
I know boys think very different than girls. The eldest stepson is 15 and the hormones are jumping. He is so girl crazy right now, which I am accepting as teenage boy behaviour. However, his comments sometimes are extremely rude and as far as I am concerned degrading to all women. I have tried to explain this to him, but I think it is falling on deaf ears. I could give you examples but I am to embarrassed to even repeat some of the things he has said. I truly don't know why he thinks it's ok to say those things and especially in front of me. Hubby has corrected him at times but sometimes he says he is just joking....well if I find it offensive then it is not a joke.
Then there is the free flowing of bodily noises. I truly think they forget that other people are around. Again, I try to correct them tell them it is socially not acceptable...they just laugh.
Now lets talk about manners or lack there of. This evening for example, I made tacos for dinner granted a bit of a messy meal. Youngest son decides he wants to make two at the same time, well two don't fit on the plate. He makes one puts the one he made straight on the table and the finishes making his second. I tried to point out to him that it would have been more appropriate to make one and come back for the second rather than putting the other on the table. Napkins....napkins are a foreign object to them. Every meal I put out napkins. They rarely get used...instead what I see are hands getting wiped onto shirts or shorts....or sock wiping something up off of the floor. This is just not right. If the napkin are there why don't they use them? This just increases the amount of laundry I have to do..... Do they think I just put the napkins out to look pretty? That I have noting better to do than think about putting them out NOT to be used? I don't think so.
It has been more of a trying time than I ever expected. I have tried to teach them social skills and the likes but I feel now like I am being the bad guy. The nag....I do wonder what it is they learn at home....what table manners have they learnt? Eldest step son does little, he stays up late and if left to his own devices doesn't get up until noon or later. Again, I recognize that teenagers need more sleep but it certainly doesn't leave us much time for doing anything now does it.? He actually complained to his father that he didn't like how I always made him get out and do things, like go to the beach or hikes. I didn't even know what to say to that. He was upset that I didn't' let him spend time more time on the computer or watching TV.
That brings me to technology. Eldest son brought his cell phone with him. I have never seen anyone other than him text as much as he does and very very fast. He texts from the moment his eyes are open till they close at night or should I say whee hours of the morning. We have had disagreements about this, hubby is finally starting to see why I had such concern last Christmas when he came and was texting so much. Eldest son has now had his phone privileges removed for the past 3 days it is out of control. He tells us all of his friends text like this...I really think these kids need to learn some cell phone etiquette. They text while they are talking to you....does anyone else find that rude or is it just me?
So back to my Venus and mars. They think so much differently than I, what they think is sociably acceptable is often times far from what I would consider acceptable. Eldests as I mentioned is so preoccupied with the "self" and thoughts of girls. Youngest is finding it challenging being a teenager, finding his footing he needs a language control on his mouth...there's something wrong about hearing a 13 year old say "damn this...." or "what the hell" amongst other things. Hubby often agrees with what I have to say, but also reminds me that they are not my girls. Not sure what the means. Does he think girls don't get raging hormones, or talk badly? Sure they do but I just taught them differently. So there you have it another example of Venus and Mars.
After all is said and done I do love the boys and will miss them when they are gone....I just wish I had more time with them to teach them more social graces, household responsibilities, life experiences. I just want them to grow into respectable young men. Some days I just want to give up. Like why bother, they are going to go home and continue to do what it is they did before they came out here. But I do, I continue to try and instill values and respect and social graces and even if they take one thing home with them it's better than nothing.
16 comments:
Don't give up. I had the same experience but I had raised a boy so I knew what I was in for. Back in the mid eighties his two boys who live in California came to Canada every summer for a month. They were 11 and 13 and it was tough slogging for that month every year. But I didn't quit no matter how much grief I got and they are now both respectable men who admit that that month a year was an oasis and they learned much. I don't know about girls, never had one sadly...ciao
Ah, the other side of the story. I had one of each so ran the full gamut of behaviours however pre technology days on the whole.
I say just try to make them adhere to your standards no matter what they do at their house in the East. Male teenagers are really difficult but as Rositta says you might find that even though there is some rebellion they are absorbing some things that will stand them in good stead eventually.
This texting has to be the living end. The girls are worse if you can imagine it. But at my house on Christmas day I saw a guest in his forties checking his text message at the table! He did not answer but he read it. His mother was ready to kill him.
I raised one son in a house with a grand mother, mother and two sisters soI didn't see that kind of behavior but I have friends who say boys love body functions!I second the motion that you teach them and make them adhere to the behaviors you expect in your home
Before our son was born he was stuck living with 2 females. He is awfully glad it's evened out now with 2 males and 2 females now.
I raised 2 girls, 1 boy -had all kinds of issues with all three about the bathroom humor/noises, especially at mealtime. I frequently got on their case about this even though they knew their Dad "appreciated" humor of that variety very much. The cuss words -I have a pretty large vocabulary -like a sailor's -but the rule was at home, out in public -either way, until you are grown and on your own, you DON'T use those words. All three of them do have an extensive repertoire today in that dept. but I will say, in public, they are all very polite. (At home, or here, when we are all together, conversations can get a bit (a lot) raucous but they know the behavior is not acceptable across the board, in public. My daughter, Mandy, is having issues now with her stepson (age 10) pertaining to his comments often being very rude, also very chauvinistic. She had a go-round with him about two weeks ago when he was here for two days and he was very miffed at her when he left but she and I are of the same mind there -"Too bad, so sad!" I may have occasionally allowed more actions at home than some parents would, but it was also done with the understanding that not every thing is appropriate in mixed company, in public so tread lightly there, kids. My son is one of the most respectful men around, very comprehending of the female standpoints -probably because he was surrounded by women growing up! Say your piece, stick to your guns too about correcting them, but also, temper it a little bit now and again with humor. Sometimes, the male species LOVES nothing better too than to do things they KNOW really aggravate and antagonize the females! Make your point and then, sometimes, just turn a deaf ear knowing you tried to show them the way. If they ever do slip up in public and find themselves embarrassed by their own actions, sometimes that's the best lesson of 'em all.
Thank you all for your great comments....I was talking with some colleagues at work just yesterday...they just nodded and smiled and said yes ah yes I remember when my boys did that....but they also echoed what most of you have said that it's good that I have them follow the house rules here...what they do back east is up to them.....I know somewhere they have good hearts and intentions, it just gets buried....I also recognize that being teenagers that ol memory thing just goes right out the window....thanks again all.....
It's not really a boy thing honestly. I have two younger sisters and a brother and the youngest girl and the boy are pretty equal when it comes to bathroom humor. If anything, I think the girl is worse! Everyone has a different sense of humor and it's probably not going to go away anytime soon.
With the other things...perhaps it would be beneficial to understand what rules they follow at home-it sounds like their mother is pretty loose as far as rules go. If you are strict with rules-it might cause problems now that they are getting older and are getting to that age where they are starting to question authority. Before their next visit, talk to their mother and try to understand what rules she enforces...then you and your husband can try to lay down a few rules that will work for all of you...and remember the "because I said so..." rules just don't work. Make sure they understand WHY they can't sleep until noon, or why they can't constantly text their friends. If they choose to disregard those rules-well, then they will just end up missing out on the activities that you have planned and it'll be their loss. Maybe the first or second time it happens they won't care, but eventually they will break down and realize that they are messing things up for themselves.
Ahhhh Friend...
don't be discouraged...hang in there....don't lose hope....it is all worth it...all you can do is offer some advice and some what of an example....whether it hits home and heart and conscience is another story....I live with a teenager...and 12-15 was such an experience..and then it passed...and beleive it or not....late teens there is a difference...he is now more interested in hygiene..hates getting stuff on his shirt- and uses napkins..and takes showers and asks what girls like ..and a certain dignity arrived....so know this- the example you say now it does sink into crevices and recesses of the adolescent brain....By 17 and 18 you should see some real differences.... and Changes that make you smile...
( on another note..I went to an all boys school- high school...and these were boys that had never ever been around girls..and I noticed that as a young girl my speaking out about what offended me and was offensive to girls really impacted them....and a couple of moms told me that I did more for their manners than years of nagging...so it has dawned on me that once a girl a reall girl rewards their NICE talk and behavior- some real changes will happen....)
Hang in there...
I raised three sons and I know how difficult boys can be. All I can say is thank goodness back then we didn't have cell phones. I felt like I was the nag too. Some of the things that happened my husband actually found funny which didn't help. It was very frustrating at times. All I can tell you is keep "nagging". They will love, respect, and appreciate you when they grow up.
I hope you will consider partisipating in my tag. I would love to hear your answers to get to know you better.
oh one more thing - this summer I found this book that really did help "Boys Themselves" by Micheal Ruhlman that really helped...kind of put the "boy" in perspective....
Yes, I agree with how you feel. I had girls and came from a home of only girls. My sister had boys. When we'd be together, I'd be appalled at the boys' behaviour and language! But my girls can get rather gross at times, too. But they know when and where certain behaviours and language is appropriate.
I agree with someone else here who suggested you ask their mother what rules they must follow when there and if they're not to your liking, then insist the boys follow your rules when at your place. Of course, your hubby must be on board with you and you must be consistent.
And most of all, ignore!
I feel every family goes though something like what you are mentioning.
My oldest Sawyer use to explain in very frank term about his bathroom habit and I believe it was to shock us but soon as I wasn't being shocked it stopped.
Anyhow I read Men are from mars and woman are from venus the book got some good pointers but I feel books like that does to much stereo typing.
I know I am coming in very late on this one........working extra hours and trying to keep up with housework and grandmotherly duties are taking their toll on me.
I remember these days well........and also remember the feeling of why do I even keep trying!? But, luckily for all of us, the things we do teach them, eventually sink in and in future years is when you will see the difference you made in their lifes. It's just that waiting until then is sooooooooo hard!
Many hugs, my friend!
Having raised two boys and with four grandsons I know all about toilet humour! Venus and Mars - Chalk and cheese!
Thanks for your lovely comment on Sophie's birthday memory. I just got back off holiday so have only just read it. x
I remember when they were visiting last year. It seemed different or am I wrong? I remember you all going hiking and swimming out in the woods.
I think the use of napkins at meals begins very early in a child's life once they learn to feed themselves. At that age they need to be reminded sometimes to use it but eventually, they'll do it automatically. Likewise with the gross humor,jokes and behavior. I'm surprised at your husband's remark so I can see why the boy's do this.
The tecnology thing has gotten out of hand in a lot of families. I think parents cop out on this.
I'm sure it must be difficult to have mixed families like this. I feel, though, that when they've grown through these stages, they'll appreciate you and what you've done to try and instill manners into their life.
Mama Bear
Mama Bear...thank you for your comments. Yes things were very different than last year....We did do adventures, but eldest told his dad he didn't like how I "Made him" go out to the beach and on hikes....can you imagine....being told to go have fun and get upset about it....goodness.....anyhow, we did have some good times....and I do recognize that they are teenagers and along with that comes some challenges....
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